omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
