I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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