i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
