If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
