My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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