I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
it's great music for shaving your balls
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Randomize
