just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
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