come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
