I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
