so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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