Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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