I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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