she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I believe in your delicious
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
