Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
