You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
