The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
