Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
