this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
