he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
