she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
