My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
