he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about youâ€
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
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