If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
