I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
