I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Randomize
