my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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