I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Randomize
