I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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