i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
