My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Randomize
