You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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