I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
