I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
