Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize
