i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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