Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
