Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Randomize
