i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
