Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
