So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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