i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Randomize
