I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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