I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
