Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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