I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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