Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
