Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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