my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
