I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Randomize
