rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
