Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
