She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
