Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
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