Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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