I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
