Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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