imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
