i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
