I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
