i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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