He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
