Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
of course. lets lasso hookers.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
