I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
